BREAKING: Pelosi Daughters Found Beaten And Tortured But ALIVE

Nancy Pelosi’s daughters, Amber and Carly, were found just moments ago after being dumped at a bus stop in Buffalo. The women were in “very bad shape” according to EMT Jules Bancroft, but didn’t appear to be in mortal danger:

“Looks like they’ll heal unless there are things going on internally. Those girls will need a psychiatrist more than anything else after what it looks like they’ve been through. We don’t see it a lot but it is fairly easy to spot torture.”

The two young women, aged 19 and 23, haven’t spoken of the incident to anyone, including investigators, which is a common side effect of shock. They did, however, tell the US Attorney when he called to see if they were alright not to call them again and to contact their attorneys:

“They said they had no intentions of testifying against anyone and they had no idea how any drugs got into their RV or their Momma’s house. They said they’ve never met a Clinton and that they were just saying that stuff to get a free pass.”

And now something has shown them the error of their ways, apparently, in the form of a few hours of heavy-duty professional torture. The Clintons have still not responded to questions from reporters nor have they been brought in for questioning by investigators. “We just don’t have any evidence,” said Special Agent Bryce Klein of the FBI, “In cases like this we rarely do. Powerful people protect themselves.”

In other words, Bill and Hillary Clinton just got away with smuggling hundreds of millions of dollars smuggling drugs and killed two US Deputy Marshals in the process, and will get off unscathed.

It’s almost like none of this is real to them.


About Flagg Eagleton 157 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.