Breaking: Jared Kushner’s Body Washes Up On West Palm Beach

This is too sad for words. .

Authorities in West Palm Beach, Florida have announced that the body of a man that floated across the Intercoastal Waterway and washed up on Jefferson Davis Beach is definitely Jared Kushner. Kushner, husband of Ivanka Trump and senior advisor to the president, was at Mar-A-Lago to ride out the storm in a secure bunker when a rogue 30-foot wave leveled the entire complex.

The President and Ivanka Trump haven’t made a statement.

The building Kushner was in was supposed to be indestructible. It was built by Eric Trump, who has an engineering degree from Oxford. His office said the structure was meant to survive a bombing from above, not a wall of water from the side:

“Jared chose the wrong building. The winery has a storm cellar that has stood for 500 years. Maybe he should have gone there.”

Nobody wants to place blame at a time like this, but Eric is under some fire. President Trump told a White House reporter personally that Jared made bad decisions that got him killed:

“My son is very very smart. He’s so smart. I man, when you talk about smart people, Eric Trump is at the top of the list. He’s…that…smart.”

Clearly, the president supports his son. He’s probably also deeply saddened by the loss of his son-in-law and closest aide

 

About Flagg Eagleton 178 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.