BREAKING: Senator Susan Collins Narrowly Escapes Assassination Attempt

The Republican United States Senator from Maine, Susan Collins, was rushed from a speaking engagement in Bangor after an assassin with a sniper rifle tried to end her life. Collins, one of three holdouts on the repeal and replace plan for Obamacare, is safely back at home in Lewiston.

Collins’ security team, trained by the Secret Service, says they have the man in custody and that he “seems very disturbed.” He has to be. Why else would he go all lone wolf over a political grudge?

Luckily, nobody was hurt. Collins says she won’t be scared into changing her position:

“We need to fix what is broken, not leave the American people high and dry. As a Republican and a Patriot, I am appalled that the president and his cohorts would want to be so vindictive just because of the man whose name is on it.

Make no mistake. If the bill were called Romneycare like it should have been, we wouldn’t be having half the problems we are. Obamacare saves lives and allows people access to care they couldn’t otherwise afford. Making it work so those things aren’t lost is what we need to be compromising towards.”

The White House rejected her plea for new negotiations into “fixing” Husseincare, calling it a “terrible, very very bad thing that is in a death spiral. No good. Sad.”

Collins is expected to retire in 2020 rather than try to run as a Republican again, since she clearly is not. Glad you’re alive, Senator, now do your job and stop giving things away to people who refuse to take care of themselves.!

About Flagg Eagleton 152 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.